Week 22 – Fear and Gratitude

In this week’s Master Key webinar we learned how to take the 5 feelings that typically keep us stuck in our comfort zone – Fear, Anger, Guilt, Hurt Feelings and Unworthiness – and use them instead as tools to step out, advance our DMPs and become our authentic selves.  Throughout this course we’ve learned to become The Observer – to notice our own behaviors, reactions and feelings – and gradually, through practice – apply what we’ve learned to gain control of our thoughts and emotions.  To become self-reliant and successful people.

No sooner had I watched this video, feeling all-powerful armed with this new insight, when life handed me an opportunity to really feel the intensity and enormous energy of fear, while simultaneously watching myself react.  And afterward….I was given the opportunity to seriously augment my feelings of gratitude.

Enter Callie:

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5 lb, 4.5 month-old mini dachshund who found me last Christmas at the post office – and who has seriously stolen my heart.  She’s so TINY….and always under foot!

Last week one day I opened my refrigerator and before I had time to react, a LARGE, heavy glass jar full of marinated artichokes fell from the top shelf.  The moment stood still as I watched the jar make what appeared to be a direct hit onto Callie’s tiny head.  I watched it fall….tried to catch it (but couldn’t)…..vividly remember hoping she wasn’t under foot…… realized she was…..prayed it wouldn’t hit her head….and then it did.  Her terrible cries will haunt me for a long time.  They continued for what seemed like 10 minutes – it felt like an eternity – but I expect is was really only 15-20 seconds.  My husband and son tried to calm me down but I was hysterical, even after Callie calmed down, stopped crying and looked docile, yet alert and normal. Unwilling to “wait and see” I called the vet, swooped her up and took her in to be evaluated.   After lots of rational discussion during the examination, my vet was able to talk me off the ledge and convince me I hadn’t permanently hurt or killed my little girl.  The flood gates opened in the car on the way to the vet as I relived the moment and thought of the implications.  When I walked out with her I couldn’t stop the tears and gratitude swelled up inside me as my mind accepted the fact that she was actually going to be OK.  In retrospect – I expect Callie moved quickly enough that though the jar only grazed her head and half of her screaming was out of fear.  Still, it was traumatic for both of us.

So here’s why I wrote about this incident.
I am not an irrational person, nor someone who typically reacts with panic to a crisis….quite the opposite, actually.  I used to be a scientist, a health & safety instructor for the Red Cross, head of a corporate Hazmat team, trained in emergency response, for Gods sake.  I don’t lose it in emergency situations!  But hurting a family member or one of my dogs is one of my worst nightmares – and I had just heard a story earlier that day about someone’s tiny dog that fell off a couch, hit it’s head just right and died (gee, do you think that may have played into my reaction?).  I don’t know….it all happened so fast.  But here’s the thing.  During the whole process it was like I was 2 people – one reacting to the situation, fearing the worst.  The other – a trained observer – watching myself, noticing my feelings and having a dialog…. and plenty of judgement….. about how I was reacting.  Having just learned about re-channeling the energy of fear into something productive- my old blueprint emerged bigger than life and starting judging me harshly because I hadn’t somehow perfected this technique in the last 2 days.  Because that Old Blueprint has always thought she should be perfectly in control, with all the answers, solving problems for everyone. Here was the dialog:  How could you be so careless and have a jar of artichokes so close to the edge?  Why didn’t you catch the jar in the air?  Why didn’t you gate Callie out of the kitchen in the first place?  And by the way, Lori….why  the Hell, after everything you’ve learned in MKMMA so far, are you not in control of yourself right now?

Fast-forward to post-check-up gratitude:
I am in love with that little puppy.  She’s been a pain in the butt to house break and with my husband laid up and a busy household I’ve  been frustrated with her plenty of times.  I’ve had numerous pity parties about how stressful the past 6 weeks have been.  But Callie has also brought immense joy and laughter to my household.  And she returns my love 10-fold every time I hold her, play with her, etc and it delights me to look at her!  Since the “incident” – I have found endless patience with her and constant gratitude that she is OK and that she is our healthy, new family member.

Wrap up – the insight.
Life gave me an opportunity last week to REALLY FEEL genuine, legitimate fear – not the stupid kind I create myself that keeps me inside my comfort zone, not picking up the phone or taking action in my business.  But the kind that happens when someone you love is hurt and you have to act swiftly to help them.  Because I’m an “MKMMA’er” – I was given the ability to live through the experience with my eyes open and my mind engaged.  I noticed a lot of things that I totally would have missed in the past. And because of my constant awareness and focus on gratitude now (reflecting back and writing up 3 cards of gratitude every day),  this incident gave me an extraordinarily intense, lasting feeling of gratitude, which I recall every time I look at Callie.

Those other feelings of fear I create to fence me into my old comfort zone?  I welcome them!  And I will continue to NOTICE when they visit – and practice USING THEM to escort in my new reality!

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2 thoughts on “Week 22 – Fear and Gratitude

  1. Jeanne Doucette

    great insights into yourself with this event. thanks for sharing, and I’m glad the little one Is fine!!

    Reply

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