10: Seeking Solitude in the Silence

A moment of reflection.  Many changes since then, some profound, some not.  Some things feel like growth….others feel like a step back or way too slow-going.  But I am reminded of Og in the 1st scroll:  “Within my allotted time I must practice the art of patience, for nature never acts in haste”.

Behind on my blog….

The world without has been a complex place the past few weeks and months….. interwoven with family connection, chaos, conflict and a swirl of emotions as 2 parents, 3 adult children, a couple of spouses and 3 dogs have come together in transition to launch a new family catering business.  And for the time being – all living under one roof again, I might add.  My kids are becoming re-acquainted with each other as adults, as friends, as siblings, as business owners.  They’ve moved away, lived on their own, moved back, given up privacy – they’re learning to share, argue, resolve conflict, work together, communicate and take turns holding each other up as one melt-down after another occurs during this insanely busy season for any successful caterer.  In a nutshell …..my home environment has been a pressure cooker for way too many reasons to list here.   And where am I in all of this?

You guessed it….right square in the middle.

I had a fight with my husband last night that was stupid…..full of misunderstanding, reactivity. My brain manufactured a hefty dose of old peptides, which rushed in to feed my craving cells their fix.   I went to bed feeling consumed…..used up….exhausted and totally OVER the whole thing.

In  the wee hours of the morning, still dark in my bedroom, my chef husband walked out in silence to begin his 14 hr day.  And then – during his car ride to work – we laid the foundation for a conversation to resume tomorrow.  A day for both of us to work, think, process and begin resolution of the complex set of issues that define our household right now.

I tried to go back to sleep in our room, but my mind was racing.  This is not commonplace for me anymore – not since I’ve been studying and applying the principles I’ve learned through the Master Key Experience.   So I sought out the Silence.

I sat in the dark, closed my eyes and attempted to relax and empty my thoughts.  Typically this process is pretty easy for me.  But not today.  As I relaxed my body my mind felt like it was caught up in the eye of a major storm.  Thoughts swirling, it was so noisy in my head, and I struggled every time I tried to calm it.  All I wanted in that moment was to open the channel, establish connection and find serenity.  I just wanted to sit and feel.   Desperate for calmness that wasn’t coming – my thoughts suddenly locked on to my wise, loving, calm, father and nurturing, loving mother…..both of whom lost recently and miss dearly.   And suddenly there I was…. with my secret council on my mountain top in my comfy chair.  A flood of emotion came over me and the tears flowed……and then immediate calm.

No huge revelations in the sit today….just the connection I sought and solitude for about an hour.

And then my beautiful little puppy Callie woke me up and filled my heart with joy as she came out of her cosy bed and made me feel like puppies do – like you’re the most special and awesome person that exists in their world.  We just played while everyone else slept – for about an hour.

And now I feel like “I’m back”

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